Duplicity

A few of the same issues keep rearing their ugly heads in my life. Sometimes I wish I could just learn my lesson from an issue and then move on and be done with it. My study of the book of James has hit me hard....and I am only one chapter in. It is amazing how the same scriptures can speak fresh to you each time you study them.

In the grand scheme of life I do not have "trials" like others have trials. The things that I am currently "persevering" right now are irrelevant in comparison to what other are going through, I recognize that. For me, however, these few issues that keep rearing their ugly heads are truly robbing me of maturity. Did you know that the Greek word for trials and pirates are linked? Just as pirates are robbers of our joy, trials can be too!

So what I am going through? It all boils down to this word duplicity. Knowing in my head the right thing, yet my heart and actions do match. The arena that this comes up in most often is in the context of my work. I struggle with the leadership that is over me. I could go on and on listed the million of things I would do differently or the things I see that are wrong with what the leadership are doing, but that is the root of my issue. I do verbalize these things aloud to my co-workers. I am exactly what Colossians says not to be: A gossiper and a slanderer. Herein lies my duplicity. I know this is wrong, I do not start my day intending to behave this way, but somehow, ten hours into my shift I am

So what I am to do? Ask for wisdom from the God who gives generously without finding fault. "In an honest life a time comes when a person gets sick of duplicity" That is me. It truly came to a head when I was totally disgusted with my actions at work on Friday AND Saturday, then I read this line in my Bible study work on Sunday morning. I can no longer respect my double minded/double souled self in this matter. My heart is deceptive. Beth Moore paints this picture of two chambers of our hearts split off from one another, beating like competing drums. As a cardiac nurse, this speaks directly to me. In order to have an effective pump, the heart must beat synchronously. The two ventricles must squeeze at their respective time, with precision, otherwise the heart will fail. This is me, knowing how I act, yet blatantly disobeying. I am not in synchrony; instead I am a great example of "two-heartedness"

Instead I desperately want to have an "undivided loyalty" to lead a godly life. I want to quit the duplicity...."quit backstroking towards God one minute and dog-paddling for the world the next".

I ask for wisdom in this area. I ask that I will be single minded, wholehearted. James states that a double minded man is unstable. If that word isn't a scary description, I don't know what is. I do not want to be an unstable person. Uck, that is actually the last thing I want to be. So how long am I going to waver between this duplicity and whole heartedness...regarding the issue at work and other issues at home? How long am I going to waver back and forth between what I truly believe is right and yet act against anyways?